Old Wounds, New Growth - Chapter 13

Translator: Deyonna

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Li Chishu stared at me for a long time with the kind of gaze that was always slow but also somewhat sharp. It was the look of a child who always kept a distance, always afraid of upsetting others, and was about to apologize.

Li Chishu said that when he was young, the most common interaction he had with others was compromising. All kinds of compromises: compromising by helping his desk mate to submit assignments at a farther office while fetching water, compromising by helping a classmate to erase the blackboard when passing by the podium, and compromising by taking on work that didn't belong to him for his late or absent colleagues during his vacation part-time job.

In his impoverished youth, he had never experienced an abundance of material goods or unconditional love, and he was deeply aware of this. Consequently, he lacked the confidence to offend others in any way.

Finally, he moved his mouth, preparing to apologize. "I'm sorr…"

I quickly interrupted him. "Ask me."

He paused, then asked, "Ask you what?"

"Ask me why I didn't come."

He seemed to think it wasn't necessary, but under my clear gaze that forbade him from remaining silent, he obediently complied. He glanced down again, his voice barely audible as he asked, "... Why didn't you come?"

"I went to buy flowers for you." The surging crowd behind us dispersed a little. I straightened up a bit. "Your favorite gardenia flowers."

Li Chishu was puzzled. "My... favorite?"

Both of our gazes wandered on each other's faces, and I sensed an ominous premonition at his words.

Li Chishu doesn't like gardenia flowers.

No, it's the present Li Chishu who hasn't started liking gardenia flowers yet.

But he has never told me before that there was a reason behind his liking for this thing. I thought he had this preference since childhood.

Looking back now, Li Chishu, who had struggled for survival since childhood, didn't have the time or luxury to study flowers and plants.

I said, "You don't like them?"

Li Chishu remained noncommittal, and I could see that he was weighing in his mind whether to tell a lie and say he liked them to please me or to tell the truth.

After a couple of seconds, he touched the hem of his clothes and spoke the truth. "I don't have much knowledge about flowers."

Then, he quickly added, "But the flowers are very beautiful and very fragrant. Thank you."

"Li Chishu, don't always keep your eyes down." I pulled him off from the wall and turned him to the side, patting the dust off his back. "I promised to meet you last night, but I didn't come and didn't tell you. You can blame me for that, and you can be angry. Do you understand?"

I said, "You can ask me. I will give you an explanation and I will apologize to you. I won't ignore you—Shen Baoshan would never ignore you. Do you understand?"

He quietly looked at me, but didn't respond.

I asked again, "You went to my class yesterday to find me, at least missing two lessons."

For someone like him, even mustering the courage to ask a simple question like "Is Shen Baoshan here?" in the corner of the class requires him to come up with a hundred plausible reasons to give when others ask why he's asking.

Li Chishu pursed his lips, perhaps quickly pondering why this person in front of him understood his every thought to such an extent.

"Are you disappointed that you couldn't find me?" I brushed aside the stray strands of hair that almost covered his forehead to his temples. "Do you think I deliberately stood you up and then spent the whole night overthinking, deciding to distance yourself from me starting the next day so that I wouldn't think you were being too clingy?"

I stopped all my movements. "Li Chishu, this is clearly something that could be resolved with a simple phone call."

He wanted to say sorry again.

I didn't give him the chance to apologize. "If there's something wrong, there's something wrong. It's not called 'it's fine.' If you're unhappy, you're unhappy. After being discovered, there's no need to apologize. If you need an explanation, go find Shen Baoshan. If you have nothing to do, you can also find Shen Baoshan. Li Chishu doesn't need any reason or specific time to meet Shen Baoshan. Even if it's something Shen Baoshan gave you, you can also directly say you don't like it. Do you understand?"

Being in love with Li Chishu requires extreme caution, especially with the seventeen-year-old Li Chishu. His probing is like a snail's antenna, with his actions limited to his own perception—all obstacles and setbacks, he has already gone through all the processes before I even realized, silently withdrawing into his shell, giving me a death sentence without any warning.

Li Chishu has always been a person who is neither humble nor arrogant. I believe it's because the person he likes, Shen Baoshan, once didn't care about the world. Every move reminded him of the unbridgeable gap between them, casting a layer of darkness over his already difficult youth that was hard to admit and even harder to conceal. Under the sun, the dust becomes more conspicuous. So, in facing me, all of Li Chishu's lows are laid bare.

He nervously tugged at the thread on the hem of his school pants. "I... I'm not very good at…"

"If you don't know, then learn." I placed my hand on his shoulder, unable to resist pinching his earlobe. "Aren't I here to grow up with you?"

Li Chishu is a restrained and well-behaved child who follows the rules. But being too well-behaved means there's no freedom. Being obedient means being responsible, being responsible means accommodating to the world, and accommodating to the world means giving up on oneself.

I am learning to be a qualified lover, and the first step in this process is to teach the seventeen-year-old Li Chishu to be a disobedient child.

-

As compensation for the misunderstanding, Li Chishu wants to treat me to lunch at the cafeteria on the first floor today.

My lunch includes, but is not limited to, a serving of white rice paid by Li Chishu's meal card, a free bowl of cabbage soup, and the dishes the aunt prepares at home which are stir-fried rabbit shreds, pheasant with matsutake mushroom, and pan-fried beef ribs.

I watched more and ate less. Due to my various irrefutable reasons, most of the food naturally ended up in Li Chishu's mouth.

Finally, when I took out the bird's nest soup with cassia seed that I specifically ordered to be stewed, Li Chishu refused to take another sip no matter what. "Shen Baoshan, I really can't eat anymore."

Alright, Li Chishu never liked bird's nest soup with cassia seeds, anyway. In our previous life, every time I brought it home from my mom's and asked him to drink it, he would pretend he did not hear.

We walked back to the school building in silence for about ten minutes.

From the way Li Chishu looked, I could tell that he had a stomach full of thoughts and thought he could sneak glances at me without me noticing.

When we reached the top floor, he finally spoke up. "Shen Baoshan?"

I have been waiting for a while. "Speak."

"That..." Li Chishu scratched his neck and chose a very tactful way to ask what he wanted to say. "Have you, by any chance, been needing my help with something recently?"

—Li Chishu really can't hide it anymore.

At this point, I felt that someone doesn't visit a temple without a cause.[1]

[1]fig. to visit(ask) sb with an ulterior motive (esp. to ask for sth)

I asked calmly, "Why do you think so?"

He carefully weighs his words before speaking. "Well… recently, you've been…showing a lot of concern for me, but I…I don't really have anything that can make you…"

"Li Chishu." I paused on the stairs and said to him, "You think that what I'm doing for you now comes for free?"

Li Chishu was confused.

"I'm telling you." I lean in closer to him, serious and unsmiling, stating an indisputable fact, just like when I told Jiang Chi that I wanted to pursue Li Chishu. "Not only will I care for you now, but I will continue to care for you. I will not only make sandwiches for you, accompany you during meals, and fly kites with you, but I will also take you to the north to see the snow, walk on the beach with you, fill a whole room with ice cream when it's hot, and set off fireworks for you to look during the Lunar New Year. Do you think I'm doing all of this for nothing? I remember each one of these things, and you will have to reciprocate them."

"R-reciprocate?" Li Chishu's mind is once again at a loss. "In the future?"

I gave him an analogy. "Just like how you take the flowers I give you, ten years later, you should plant a flower and give it back to me. During this short vacation, I flew a kite with you, and when we grow old, you should take me to see the northern lights. Last month, you drank the first cup of coffee I made, and when we have a home, I want to eat the first meal you cook."

Li Chishu asked with uncertainty, "...we?"

I gave him a deep look. I saw Li Chishu avert his eyes once again. I then step back and continue climbing the stairs, asking him, "Do you want to see Potato this weekend?"

He follows behind me, still lost in thought, not responding.

I stopped again, turned around, and stared at him.

Li Chishu finally came to his senses. He reacted and tentatively asked me, "Are we going to your house?"

Of course, we're not going to my house.

Based on Li Chishu's personality, at least for now, he would definitely not be willing to come to my place. I can even conclude that he is not willing to be involved in any aspect of my life except me.

He doesn't like to be looked at, and even more so, he dislikes the feeling of being scrutinized. Asking him to integrate into my social circle or any unfamiliar circle would inevitably lead to being scrutinized. As for being looked at—those who look at others with good intentions often do so unknowingly, and that's what makes Li Chishu most uncomfortable. And I cannot control every word and action of everyone around me with precision.

Only when Li Chishu himself becomes strong, regardless of the circumstances, will he no longer resist being scrutinized or looked at. I will accompany him on that journey, toward that day, but now's not the time.

So at least for now, it is not the best opportunity to let Li Chishu enter my life.

"No." I said, "I'll secretly bring it to school for you to see. Do you want to?"

Li Chishu asked while nodding vigorously, "You can?" 

"Of course." I said, "Did I promise you anything that I didn't do?"

Li Chishu was about to speak, but I quickly said, "Except for last night."

"......" Li Chishu fell silent.

-

October 8th, cloudy

It seems like the temperature is starting to drop. I'm not really looking forward to the cooler weather since I don't have many clothes to layer up with.

October 8th, cloudy

So, it turns out that Shen Baoshan wasn't intentional yesterday, and I misunderstood. But it seems like he's still angry.

He said some things to me today, and I understood some of it, but there were parts that I didn't quite understand. No one has ever said anything to me like that before.

But whether I can really find him whenever I want to is uncertain. He might have just said it casually without actually meaning it.

The food he brought from home today was delicious. I didn't really remember the names that Shen Baoshan mentioned, but there was one with rabbit meat and another with beef. I can't recall the others. I didn't drink the soup, which is a pity now that I think about it.

But he asked me to return all of these things to him in the future, even planning for it when we're old.

Will I still be able to find him when we're old? Given his circumstances, he would probably stay in a place that I've never even heard of.

What do northern lights look like and where can they be seen?

Shen Baoshan said he would bring Potato to show me this weekend.

I can't wait for this week to pass quickly.

Shen Baoshan bought me a bouquet of flowers, which are gardenias. They smell really fragrant. He said they are my favorite flowers.

Although I don't have much of an impression of gardenias, is it too late to start liking them now?

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