Old Wounds, New Growth - Chapter 28. 1
Translator: Deyonna
As expected, Li Chishu’s cold got a bit worse the next day. I checked on him before sending him out, and he didn’t have a fever, so he should gradually recover in a day or two.
He came back from visiting his grandmother at the nursing home in the late afternoon, looking listless and lacking in energy. I urged him to take his medicine and tucked him into bed. He slept for two hours until I called him for dinner, but he still hadn’t woken up.
I crouched by the bedside and tapped him a couple of times. Li Chishu opened his eyes drowsily. "What time is it?"
"It’s five o’clock." I slowly helped him sit up. "Do you feel a bit better?"
Li Chishu said that his mind was clearer, but he just casually ate a few bites during the meal and then put down his chopsticks. He sat alone on the chair, lost in thought. Suddenly, he said, "Shen Baoshan, I want to see the photos you took of me."
I took out my phone, and Li Chishu flipped back and forth between the two photos I had taken of him, smiling with a bit of regret. "I don’t have any photos of you."
The first photo of me that Li Chishu had in his life was the collective graduation photo from Class 21. That one afternoon when he went to the office to pick up photos for the whole class, he saw a thick stack of sealed color photos on the desk opposite his homeroom teacher, and he couldn’t resist his churning thoughts.
"If I had been a bit bolder, I would have been able to get the first photo of you," Li Chishu said years later, holding a piece of colored photocopy paper in his hand. "Back then, I thought that this might be the only chance in my life that I would have to keep something of yours."
But Li Chishu’s innate upbringing and sense of morality prevented him from secretly taking one of the photos from that stack.
"If I took one away, or replaced one of your class’s photos with one from Class 25, then one from your class would have lost their graduation photo." Li Chishu shook his head. "Everyone only has one copy. I couldn’t do that."
So he took the opportunity of that empty afternoon to quickly grab one of the photos from my homeroom teacher’s desk, and during the last ten minutes before self-study class, he ran down to the printing shop down the school building. Under the printing shop owner’s curious gaze, he asked them to make a color photocopy for him, just using regular printing paper, no lamination, no photo developing, just a simple color print.
Color printing was several times more expensive than black and white copying, and Li Chishu had struggled with the decision multiple times on his way there. But because the photo had Shen Baoshan in it, he decided to use one of the few opportunities he had to spend money on this person.
This low-quality color photocopy, carrying Li Chishu’s countless nights of dreams[1] and a blurry-smiling figure, was preserved for a full twelve years.
[1]Pleasant and romantic dream
I took my phone and opened the camera app. "Let’s take a photo together right now."
Li Chishu smiled and avoided it. "Not right now."
"Why not?"
"I’m sick. The photo won’t look good."
"Nonsense." I reached out to grab him. "Xiaobao looks good no matter what."
Li Chishu still refused to come over. "Next time, Shen Baoshan. The first photo has to be a good one."
"Alright," I saw he wouldn’t agree, so I had to give up. "Next time...we’ll take one when we go on our spring outing, and have Jiang Chi take it with his camera."
"Okay." Li Chishu picked up his bowl of rice again, eating bit by bit. Suddenly, while looking down at the rice, he spoke up. "After we take the photo, print it out and put it in our home later on."
I paused in the motion of picking up my bowl.
Li Chishu was talking about our future home together.
"Okay." I suppressed the turbulent waves in my heart, and carefully picked up a piece of chicken with my chopsticks to put in his bowl. The chopsticks accidentally clinked against the edge of his bowl a few times, making a ringing sound. "Where in the house should we place it?"
Li Chishu looked out the window and thought. "Hmm... On the beside, bedside table, or on the desk. What do you think?"
"Place them, place them anywhere," I said. "And print a larger one to hang on the wall, too."
Li Chishu smiled again. "That kind is only for wedding photos."
"Then let’s go take a wedding photo in the future."
"How can the two of us take a wedding photo?"
"Why can’t the two of us take one? Do you want to drag Jiang Chi into it too?"
Li Chishu was very helpless. "No …"
I looked at the faint bluish tinge under his eyes that had accumulated due to years of lack of sleep, and suddenly asked, "Li Chishu, do you want to live with me next semester?"
-
The school’s political education office had already opened on the fourth day of the Lunar New Year. I accompanied Li Chishu to handle the dormitory withdrawal procedures. The day before school started, he carried his extremely simple luggage and heavy backpack as he set out on the road back home with me.
Li Chishu agreed to stay at my home, of course not without my cajoling and coaxing. The most important condition was that my parents would be abroad on long business trips for the next half year, so Li Chishu wouldn’t have to deal with the interpersonal relationships that troubled him the most. Secondly, the dormitory and his own home were really too cold, and the hot water bottle Li Chishu had used for years had also worn out. At the start of school, there would be several months of cold weather where he couldn’t sleep well. I talked at length, discussing the pros and cons in front of him until he was reassured. Ultimately, he was swayed by the significant advantage of ‘being able to see Potato every day if you live in my house.’"
Li Chishu and I walked through the neighborhood’s main gate and driveway. After entering, there was a short, winding mountain road, with a row of transplanted old pines lining the hillside. We didn’t take the car today, as it had just rained. The neighborhood was shrouded in a hazy mist, and from the moment he stepped through the gate, Li Chishu became visibly tense, growing increasingly silent as he lowered his head. Even his steps had a careful, unwilling-to-misstep precision to them.
"Li Chishu," I called to him. "What would you like to eat when we get home? I’ll make it for you."
"Hmm... Anything is fine." He pressed his lips together, then glanced at the backpack I had slung over my shoulders. "Is it heavy? Let me carry it instead."
"It’s not heavy." I turned my shoulder away, taking his outstretched hand in mine. "Your cold hasn’t gotten better. Your nose looks raw from blowing it so much."
He touched his reddened philtrum, then looked around at the greenery. Potato came trotting up from behind and circled around Li Chishu, which seemed to relax him a bit.
"For your college entrance exam, will your parents not be coming back?"
"No, they won’t be coming back." I smiled. "They think it’s not a big deal, as long as I do my best."
Oftentimes, the pressure we feel is imposed by the outside world’s expectations. My parents understood this principle very early on, so they never put additional pressure on me for things that were already socially significant. It doesn’t matter if I’m not exceptional, as long as I try my best. They are willing to accept the final outcome, whatever it may be.
In contrast, the things my mother immensely cared about were the specific milestones in my life. Like the first street dance competition I randomly joined at age 8, the first time I went abroad alone to learn to ski, the greetings video I self-edited and played for her on her birthday when I was 12, winning the piano competition, or the first time I busked on the street with friends at age 10 - for these moments, she almost always made sure to leave work or cut a business trip short just to be there, never missing a single one, just to capture it on camera.
The piano room at home has long been filled with traces of my childhood and adolescence, which may not be very important, but recalling them occasionally brings joy.
Li Chishu had once said that I was a person who didn’t lack love. He said this before he had even met my parents. I asked him how he could tell since he hadn’t interacted with any of the people who gave me love.
He asked me in return, "Have you ever had very stressful times in your life?"
I thought for a long time. "Does the first time we made love count? I was afraid I wouldn’t perform well and you wouldn’t be satisfied. Other than that, I couldn’t think of any."
Li Chishu couldn’t stop laughing.
After his laughter subsided, he said, "Shen Baoshan, you’re carefree. A person who never lacks the confidence to make mistakes is carefree."
I have incurred an inexhaustible trial and error in my life. It seems that since I was little, my parents have given me the freedom to make mistakes - it doesn’t matter, even if I do make mistakes, I’m still their beloved child, and they even appreciate the results of my mistakes. After making mistakes, I still receive the same praise as when I succeed.
But blessings and adversities bestowed by heaven upon a person are forever conserved. In my family filled with love, I was given countless opportunities to make mistakes, so Li Chishu, who had lacked love, did not give me that similar opportunity. The one time I failed to keep a close eye on him, I lost him forever.
Then, heaven gave me a second chance, making me walk on thin ice for the rest of my life, forcing me to give up all my carelessness and carefreeness to watch over Li Chishu, only then granting me forgiveness. Heaven is fair.
It was unknown how Li Chishu’s brain circuit ran or how his thoughts turned. He fell silent for a long time before asking me, "Is it because... you’re going abroad?"
"What?"
He moved his lips, then repeated with his eyes lowered, "Is it because... you’re going abroad for university? Is that why they don’t care much about your college entrance exam?"
"No—" I said, amused and exasperated. "What are you worrying about all the time? If I were going abroad, wouldn’t I discuss it with you first? I’d only go to a place you’re willing to go. They simply think it doesn’t matter whether I do well or not on the exam."
Li Chishu nodded. "I see."
After passing the garage, I took Li Chishu upstairs. As he got into the elevator, probably unable to hold back anymore, he asked, "Does your house... only have the elevator?"
"We have stairs," I said, "but since you’re unwell now, it’s better to take the elevator to the second floor and rest early. In the future, our home will also have an elevator installed."
"Our house..." He counted the elevator buttons from the second floor upwards. "Does that mean we’ll live in a five-story house as well?"
He paused. "If you want to, we might have to buy it a little later. I should save more money for a few more years…"
I pinched the bridge of my nose and helplessly interrupted his worries. "Even a one-story house can have an elevator, Li Chishu."
He was too ill at ease.
I squeezed his shoulder. "Just take your time to get used to it. After all, this house will be a place we'll come back to for the holidays and celebrations for decades to come."
Li Chishu: "Ah?"
I turned my head and chuckled. Considering his thin skin[2], I didn't continue to explain.
[2] Emotionally sensitive or easily embarrassed.
After the start of school, Li Chishu's cold had completely healed. However, as it was still the beginning of the year, during the coldest time of the season, the days continued to grow shorter and the nights longer. When Li Chishu and I drove out in the mornings, streetlights still illuminated the pitch-black roads.
I have had the habit of morning jogging for years, specifically on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, which I maintained until I was almost thirty. During the years when Li Chishu was in poor health, I would wake up at the slightest movement from him in bed to check if he was uncomfortable; therefore, getting up at 5 am was not difficult for me.
But Li Chishu was not doing so well at this right now. During the vacation, due to the cold, he occasionally slept in until 7 or 8 o'clock. After getting used to this routine for a week or two, going back to his original biological clock now that school has started again has become a difficult task.
Understanding Li Chishu's food preferences, I have been the one to wake up early and prepare breakfast in the kitchen ever since he moved in, giving the hired auntie a chance to sleep in a bit longer. There were a few instances when I had already toasted the sandwiches, but he had yet to come downstairs. Upon finding Li Chishu barely able to open his eyes from sleepiness, I began bringing breakfast directly to his room and calling him to get up.
That morning, as usual, I returned to the room carrying milk and noodles and witnessed a very comical scene: Li Chishu had risen from bed, probably awakened by the alarm clock. It was a gloomy day outside the window. He sat on the bed, the quilt still not lifted, indicating he had just left the pillow. He had only half put on his down jacket, with both sleeves halfway on, not yet fully dressed. The sleeves hung on his forearms, like two penguin wings—Li Chishu sat there, falling asleep again.
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