Old Wounds, New Growth - Chapter 15

Translator: Deyonna

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When I returned home in the evening, Jiang Chi had already finished playing basketball in the basement. Then he waited in the game room to play games together.

Potato came out of the elevator and waited for the aunt to wipe his feet. I went to the third floor and Jiang Chi already opened a computer. Next to it, I placed the longans that Li Chishu had peeled. I was about to go to the bathroom to take a shower. Just as I closed the door to the game room, I opened it again and pointed to the box of longans on the table. "You're not allowed to eat that."

As soon as Jiang Chi's bottom left the chair, he awkwardly sat back down.

After taking a shower, I draped the bathrobe around me and stared at the person in front of the mirror as I had done countless days since I came back.

There isn't much difference between the 18-year-old and the 28-year-old Shen Baoshan. To be more precise, he is no different from the 28-year-old Li Chishu before he became ill.

I am someone who rarely worries about things. It is said that people like me don't age easily—at least not in appearance. I had been smooth sailing in the first twenty years of my life, with a good family background and natural talent. I could easily get whatever I wanted. And with just a little effort, I could achieve first place. During those years, I lived as I pleased. After finishing the college entrance examination, I went abroad and enjoyed myself for two months before casually applying for a major in architecture, which was completely different from my family's business. Anyway, my family didn't mind how I spent my youth and they have always been supportive of me. I spent five years in my undergraduate studies, and in my final year, I received an offer from Germany. During the graduation ceremony next door at the College of Architecture, I joined in the fun and sat with Li Chishu. I asked him about his plans and he said he was planning to work at a studio recommended by his professor.

I asked him why he didn't want to go to graduate school. With his grades, it wouldn't have been a problem for him to be recommended for graduate studies.

Li Chishu lowered his head and smiled, saying that the tuition fees for graduate studies were over ten thousand yuan per year. After thinking about it, he felt it would be better to start working earlier.

"What about you?" After a while, he asked me. Looking back now, those words that came from Li Chishu's mouth seemed casual, but in reality, they required a great deal of courage from him.

I turned off my phone, which still displayed a notification in German. Without rhyme or reason, I said, "Same as you, I plan to... stay here and work."

He was very surprised. He thought that I should be the type of person who would pursue further studies.

I tucked my phone in my bag and said, "What's so interesting about studying? It's just spending all day helping the professors draw diagrams and make plans. It would be more liberating to make money on my own."

Later, when I reminisced about my university days and talked about my relationship with Li Chishu, I always described it as "neither close nor distant."

Neither close nor distant... Was I really neither close nor distant towards him?

Why is it that every time I encounter a bustling crowd of people from the College of Architecture, I always find myself searching for that familiar figure? Why did I secretly cancel my plan to buy a flat on the second day after hearing that Li Chishu was looking for a rental apartment? Why did I end up living in that less than a hundred square meter house for several years?

Obviously, the conditions there are not that good. However, two months before the first rent was due, I glanced at Li Chishu and caught a glimpse of the uneasiness and probing in his eyes. Without thinking, I asked, "I plan to renew the lease for two years. Do you want to join me?"

During those years when no one dared to expose the truth, it was unknown who was the one who was actually afraid of revealing our true feelings.

Long after, on a late night, he hadn't taken off his work shirt and suit. Reeking of alcohol, he knocked on my door with bloodshot eyes and awkwardly counted every penny he had saved over the years. Finally, just like the first time he spoke to me at university, he clumsily said, "Shen Baoshan... Would you like to try being with me?"

It was from that moment that Li Chishu's youthful feelings finally saw the light of day, but it also marked the beginning of our aging together.

Probably having fulfilled his last obsession, Li Chishu gradually discovered that even though he had Shen Baoshan and everything he couldn't have in his youth, he still couldn't let go of the hardships of the past. Covering the barren land with new soil couldn't save the withered roots of the wild grass.

He has immersed himself in pain for too many years. To uproot the past, he can only destroy himself.

Li Chishu began to punish me. With countless nights where he would curl up alone in bed, his thin spine turned away from everything. His eyes were often lost in the myriad of lights outside the window, leaving me powerless as I watched him drift away from the world.

On the eve of Chinese New Year that year, while I wasn't paying attention, he drank some wine. Those mourning eyes of Li Chishu, who died when he was just a teenager, returned to him.

He sat on the edge of the windowsill, holding a glass of wine, with the city's neon lights flowing beneath his gaze. Li Chishu only showed me his side profile and casually said, "I feel like I can't go on much longer."

My hand, which was reaching out to snatch the glass from him, froze in mid-air.

Then he turned around, and for a moment there was a glimmer of tears in his eyes. Whenever Li Chishu wanted to leave this world, he would become very sad upon seeing me.

He looked at me with a childlike and puzzled gaze, and asked me, "But Shen Baoshan, shouldn't a person's life get better as they go on?"

I couldn't answer.

I also want to know why heaven is so unfair, sending him into this world to suffer.

Suddenly, he put down his wineglass, stood up, stared at me for a long time, and said, "Shen Baoshan, you have white hair."

Perhaps it was this strand of white hair that made Li Chishu realize that he was not the only one suffering in this family. This white hair accelerated his determination to leave.

But I never felt like I was aging for him.

I loved him so much. How could love make someone age? It's the longing that does.

During those nights when I kept vigil for him, every time I looked in the mirror, I felt like I had aged ten years.

That kind of aging doesn't make me afraid. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. If that's really the case, then with each passing night, perhaps the day I see him again will be closer.

I miss him a little.

Coming out of the bathroom, I dialed Li Chishu's number. The phone rang only once before Li Chishu answered. His voice was gentle and slightly immature, the kind of youthful tone only a seventeen-year-old could have. "Shen Baoshan?"

"En." I walked to the balcony, where the glow from the first-floor hallway spilled into the garden. Potato was running in circles around the fountain. "You've returned to the dormitory?"

"Not yet." There was a rustling sound from his end as Li Chishu was gathering his books. "I'm about to head back."

"Did you eat the roasted lamb leg that I brought for you?"

"...Not yet," Li Chishu replied. Then he quickly added, "I'll eat it when I get back."

I glanced at my black crossbody bag placed on the sofa and reminded him, "Eat it early. If you eat late, you might have a stomach ache tomorrow morning."

The bag is a black, large-capacity woven bag from Burberry. It's not really for carrying books, but mainly for conveniently carrying food for Li Chishu. I randomly picked it up while accompanying my mom for shopping in my first year of high school, just to meet the minimum purchase requirement. I hardly used it throughout the year. But now I carry it every day, mainly because Li Chishu once pointed at the screen while we were watching a movie at home. "His outfit looks just like how you dressed in senior high school." The main character in the movie is a Taiwanese high school student wearing canvas shoes.

I thought for a moment and smiled as I asked him, "Did I really carry such a silly bag everywhere in senior high school?"

"Silly?" Li Chishu looked back and recalled it earnestly. Then he lowered his gaze and smiled, then said, "I remember... you’ve carried something similar a few times, not silly... it looked really good."

One evening after I returned, I remembered this incident and searched through all of my bags at home. After rummaging around, I could only find this one that resembled the one the male protagonist in that movie carried. From then on, whenever I had the chance, I would carry it around aimlessly in front of Li Chishu.

"Finish your meal early and go back early." I said, "Send me a text message when you get back to the dormitory."

"Okay."

When I returned to the gaming room, Jiang Chi had already finished a game. He looked up from the computer screen, giving me a quick glance. "If you're any later, I would've started the second game."

"Didn't I come?" I placed the opened can of cola on his desk. "Just one game tonight. I have to go to school early tomorrow."

"Alright, alright, I got it."

Jiang Chi always pays no heed to what others say. It goes in one ear and out the other. Even after finishing one game, he would still want to start another. I put down my headphones, turned around, and kicked his chair. "Let's play again next week."

"Next week again," he muttered as he shut down the computer. He tried to reach for the box of longans in front of me, but I swatted his hand away. "What's the matter?! Are they made of gold that I can't even have a bite?"

"My wife peeled them." I twirled the box in my hand. "You don't know how to find a wife to peel them for you?"

"......"

Jiang Chi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He took out his phone. "Come, come, come let me call your mom and you can repeat what you just said to her."

I chewed on a longan and gave him another kick.

Jiang Chi persisted. "Don't rush, come on, say it…"

After all of our commotion, a text message from Li Chishu arrived.

I picked up my phone and took a look.

[I'm back at the dormitory. The roasted lamb leg was delicious, thank you. I'll return the food container and the insulation bag to you tomorrow.]

Jiang Chi, who was sitting nearby, chimed in with a cool tone, "I knew it. In the afternoon, you were guarding that roasted lamb leg like a dog guarding its food, not letting anyone touch it."

I ignored him and focused on replying to Li Chishu's message first.

[Good.]

[Go to bed early and I'll come to accompany you for lunch tomorrow.]

Li Chishu replied. [Okay. You too.]

"You—too—" Jiang Chi sat on my gaming table and began to be an annoying person.

I put away my phone and looked at him. "Stop imitating what he says."

Jiang Chi rolled his eyes and started rummaging around aimlessly.

As he continued to rummage, his gaze fixed on my figurine cabinet. "What's that? You even cleared out the cabinet just to display that?"

As he spoke, he walked towards the cabinet.

"Don't touch randomly." I followed him and took his hand off the cabinet. "You always have dirty hands."

He's like a guy who has never seen a market before. His eyes fixated on the top of the cabinet without looking away. "What kind of toy is this?"

I glanced at the cabinet. "Can't you tell?"

Jiang Chi shook his head. "I haven't seen it before."

"This thing has a scientific name and a common name." I walked back, picked up the longan, and continued eating. "Which one do you want to hear first?"

"So particular?" Jiang Chi became interested upon hearing it. His eyes lit up. "There are even different names. You go ahead and say the common name first."

"The common name," I paused for a moment, "is called a kite."

Jiang Chi's brilliant smile condensed on his face.

He turned his head to look at the cabinet, then back at me, pointing at the cabinet. "This thing can also be called a kite?"

"It's not an ordinary kite." I deadpanned. "If not, how can it have a scientific name? I've even specially kept it as a collection."

Jiang Chi seemed to be contemplating the credibility of my words, but ultimately found them reasonable and decided to listen further. "Alright, tell me the scientific name."

"The scientific name is called a token of love." I leaned against the table and explained with a smile, "It was personally made by Li Chishu."

"......"

"What's wrong? No one has ever made something for you?"

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