Old Wounds, New Growth - Chapter 19
Translator: Deyonna
I sent Li Chishu back to the dormitory, then hurried across to a coffee street, turned into an alley in the middle of the street, and at the very end, there was an old bookstore.
This is already my fourth time coming here within a month.
The store owner was still sitting at one end of the counter wearing his reading glasses and holding an old book in his hands. On the counter, there was a glass water cup with a few yellowing tea leaves steeping inside.
As I entered, I pushed the wind chime by the window, and he looked up at me from the desk and said, "You've come again."
"Yeah." I leaned on the counter without beating around the bush, while glancing at the books on the wooden shelves to my left and asked, "Did you find that thing?"
Originally, seeing his steady demeanor, I had prepared myself to return empty-handed again, but unexpectedly, the boss pushed himself up from the bamboo chair, and said, "Wait."
He walked towards the dark storage room behind him, but after a couple of steps, he turned back, took off his glasses, looked through the shelf, and nodded at me. "I've been waiting for you all day, but you came so late…"
I was so surprised that I even stopped leaning against the bookcase behind the window. I stood up straight, my eyes staring blankly at the storage room at the other end, listening to the sound of the rustling newspapers inside.
"Here, take it." The boss staggered out. Although he was old, he was very spirited. He handed me a roll of old newspapers that were yellow and brittle. "Take a look and see if it's this issue."
I couldn't manage to say a word and just quickly lowered my head to inspect it.
After a few seconds of searching, I finally locked onto the lower left corner of the newspaper. There was a column in a striking red font that read: "No Follow-up to the Marine Industry Project, What Path Will the Weathered Mother and Child Take?" There was also a black-and-white photo attached next to it.
I didn't examine it closely. And just hurriedly flipped through the pages to find the date of the newspaper. Sure enough, it was from July ten years ago, shortly after Li Chishu's father had an accident.
"This should be it. If there are any discrepancies, I'll come back to you." I hurriedly stuffed the newspaper back into my bag, grabbed a few hundred yuan bills from my wallet, and placed them on the counter. "Here, thank you—"
"Take it back, take it back." The old man looked displeased with my gesture. "I said I'd help you if I can help. If I can help, then it's indeed luck. If I can't help, then forget it. I won't take your money."
I looked around and casually grabbed a few books from the shelf. "How much for these, along with the newspaper? I'll buy them."
He calculated the price. "49.”
At this time, online shopping was just beginning to rise, and mobile payments had not yet become widespread in shops like this. I handed over a 50 yuan bill, and the store owner tossed a coin to me from a biscuit tin serving as a makeshift change drawer.
I ran all the way back home under the moonlight, my fingertips clutching onto that round coin, my heart pounding like a drum.
Li Chishu had once given me a one-yuan coin. Thinking back, that was around the time he first started preparing to commit suicide.
Once, on the night before I was about to go on a business trip after we finished making love, I was nestled against his neck, and he was lying on his back, panting softly in my ear as he gazed up at the chandelier on the ceiling. With one arm around me, his other hand slowly caressed the back of my neck from my hair. Suddenly, he said, "Shen Baoshan, could you go and get me a glass of water?"
I asked him, "Thirsty?"
"En." Li Chishu nodded and joked with me at that time. "I'm about to get dehydrated by you."
I chuckled, kissed him loudly, then put on my nightgown and got up. "Wait here."
When I returned with the water, he had already put on his pajamas and was sitting quietly and calmly on the edge of the bed, looking up at me as I entered.
"What's the matter?" I placed the glass of water on the bedside table, stood in front of him, and gently smoothed out his hair, which I had messed up. "Do you have something to say?"
From his tightly clenched fist, Li Chishu took out a coin that seemed to have appeared from nowhere. "Here, for you."
During that time, almost all monetary transactions were done through mobile phones. It was rare to see paper bills at home, let alone this small denomination coin.
I examined it carefully in my hand several times, but this coin appeared no different from the ordinary ones.
"What's this for?" I asked him.
Li Chishu just smiled and said, "Just wanted to give it to you. Nothing special."
The next day, he attempted his first suicide.
He wasn't very proficient in doing it. He took a bunch of sleeping pills he had been saving as soon as I left. Less than half an hour later, I had to turn back because my flight was rescheduled. I couldn't reach him on the phone on the way back, and as soon as I got home, I took him to the hospital for gastric lavage. Li Chishu's plan was thus interrupted.
Waking up on the hospital bed with an oxygen mask, he saw my face, which seemed to stretch all the way down to the floor. I was sitting cross-armed beside the bed, staring at him, motionless.
Li Chishu probably felt guilty that he had done something bad by leaving without saying anything, So he avoided my gaze and remained silent for a while, then turned his gaze back to my face. Quietly, he reached out two fingers from under the blanket and tugged at my clothes. "Shen Baoshan…"
"Who’s calling?" I looked left and right. "Who's calling Shen Baoshan? Who's calling Shen Baoshan?"
He pursed his lips, knowing he was in the wrong, and smiled at me with a fawning look in his eyes, as if saying: Shen Baoshan, please forgive me.
I reluctantly forgave him.
"Next time you dare to do something like this, I'll break your hands," I warned him, pressing word by word. "Don't even think about sleeping pills. You won't be able to lay a hand on any medicine. When you're sick, I'll boil it for you[1]. Whether you live or die depends on my mood. I'll give you a chance to experience what it's like for a hundred-year-old parent to be cared for by a filial child."
[1]Boiling herbal medicines. In traditional Chinese herbal medicines, they usually boil it to drink.
He smiled again. Every time I caught him attempting suicide and scolded him, he would always smile like this.
I took out that coin and shoved it into his hand. "One coin? Is your life worth only one coin? You give me a coin and you think you can just leave? Dream on. Your life might be cheap, but laozi isn't. I cook for you, sleep with you. This young master charges four figures a night, and you think you can get rid of laozi with just one coin? Do you think all the cheap things in this world belong to your Li family? Li Chishu, let me tell you, I'm keeping you alive just to slowly pay off your debt. Don't even think about going anywhere."
Li Chishu saw me crying, and finally couldn't force a smile anymore. He slowly reached out to grab my arm. "Shen Baoshan…"
I shook him off and abruptly stood up from the chair. I turned my back and looked up at the ceiling for a moment. Then, I turned back, pointing at him as I scolded, "You think dying is easy? Do you think closing your eyes will solve everything? A trouble-free life is only in dreams. Li Chishu, I, Shen Baoshan, have never been someone you can mess with as you please. The moment you die, laozi will chase after you to the depths of the underworld to teach you a lesson. If there's a next time…"
I spoke and spoke, but it seemed like I ended up putting my words back into my mouth.
What would happen if there's a next time? I couldn't even bear to lay a hand on his finger. Yet, I ended up rushing him to the hospital in agitation, feeling like my heart was being twisted by a knife with every passing second.
Li Chishu is like a child who can never be taught well. Every time I catch him, he actively admits his mistakes but resolutely refuses to correct them.
Later, he also tried to give me that coin again, but as soon as he took it out, I was immediately stimulated and reacted like I was confronting a mortal enemy. Li Chishu didn't attempt to give it to me anymore.
Over the years, I still haven't figured out the meaning behind that coin.
I don't want to figure it out either. I'd rather never see it again in my life.
Back in my room, as soon as I closed the door, I slid down the wall and sat on the floor. The coin in my hand was damp from my sweat. I set it aside and carefully unfolded the newspaper on my lap. My fingertips touched the striking headline, and finally, I looked at the black-and-white photo.
The photo is not Li Chishu's deceased father, but rather a seven-year-old Li Chishu who was dragged by his mother to kneel in front of the square of the city government’s gate, with a confused look in his eyes.
As he had said, the Li Chishu in the photo wore a red scarf tied with a drawstring, with his school bag still on his back and not yet taken off, his neck bent low under the scorching sun, looking tired and exhausted, mouth slightly agape and eyes unable to open. Beside him, his mother's profile was resolute. Even though kneeling, her spine remained straight, as if the glare of the golden letters on the building above could not compare to the determination in her eyes.
I gently caressed the messy hair of the little Li Chishu in the newspaper. I found myself inadvertently traveling back through his brief life: at seven, at seventeen, at twenty-seven. Obedient, struggling, and finally surrendered.
The higher he climbed, the further he distanced from the recognition of pain.
"When?" I asked softly as I gazed at the black-and-white photo in my hand.
When can he get closer, to the end, to the depths of time, and make his life shine brightly, like a pristine morning sun?
On the next Saturday, I arrived very late, with the sky already dark.
Because I only had a cross-body bag hanging on my body, Li Chishu's eyes showed a hint of disappointment when we met. "You didn't bring Potato?"
I walked up to him without saying a word and took out a black mask from my bag. I took advantage of his confusion and put it on him. Then I put the hat on the back of the down jacket on his head, covering his whole face, only leaving his eyes for him to see the way.
Li Chishu's eyes spun around, following my movements, and after I made sure that he was covered securely, I grabbed his hand and only said, "Follow me to a place."
I will take him to the junior high school.
Li Chishu became increasingly resistant when he realized the route we were walking led to the junior school department. He struggled to step back, resisting my strength.
"Shen... Shen Baoshan," he called out to me.
"Li Chishu," I had no intention of giving in to him and continued walking forward. "I know what you're afraid of."
I turned around and met his anxious eyes. "I will take you to destroy it."
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