Old Wounds, New Growth - Chapter 14. 2

Translator: Deyonna

Two years before his death, while he was recuperating at home, his desire for cigarettes inexplicably grew. At first, he would only smoke two or three cigarettes a day, but later on, he would smoke four cigarettes just during the first meal of the day. When I was at home for a few hours, he would restrain himself from smoking to avoid disturbing my work. However, as soon as I left, he would immediately retaliate by smoking one pack after another.

But in fact, he was obviously the one who initially advised me to quit smoking.

When Li Chishu, who had just started university, asked me out for dinner for the first time, he reacted the same way as he does now when he first saw me smoking. He cautiously asked me, hiding his unusual concern, "Do you smoke?"

I said I just smoked for fun.

He cautiously reminded me, saying, "I've heard that smoking isn't very good for your health."

I took this as a common courtesy and didn't take it to heart, so I politely replied to him, "When feeling down, smoke a couple of cigarettes to deal with it."

He looked thoughtful at that time. "So it's like that."

However, Li Chishu was someone who took to heart every word spoken by Shen Baoshan. I never would have guessed that a mindless remark I made would lead Li Chishu to develop a severe addiction to smoking several years later.

One night, he tossed and turned, and as usual, he reviewed every detail of our relationship. When his memories reached that certain point, he suddenly remembered my words. He walked to the study and opened my cigar cabinet. By the time I noticed, it was already too late.

In an effort to help him quit smoking, I removed all the cigarettes and e-cigarettes from our home. I replaced the usual hiding spot for cigarettes with fruit candies and put up signs that said, "If you feel like smoking, have some candy instead, or call Shen Baoshan." However, this didn't make much of a difference in improving the situation.

Within my sight, Li Chishu obediently followed my instructions. But as soon as he was out of my sight, he would right away hide in the dark to swallow smoke and blow out clouds.

One time, when I caught him in the act, he smiled helplessly. "But this really seems to help alleviate my mood."

I asked him."Who told you that this thing can help with that?"

He maintained that kind of smile and said nothing.

I tried every possible way to prevent his health from deteriorating. One drunken evening, I broke down and poured out my frustrations to him. "Li Chishu, even for me—just for me. Aren't you even willing to cheer up?"

That year, Li Chishu's illness had reached a critical stage. He stubbornly refused to make any changes for the sake of his own health, allowing his mental and physical well-being to collapse. He became reckless and unrestrained, spiraling out of control. In truth, he had foreseen his own destruction and demise long before.

Not only did he refuse to pull himself together for my sake, but in the end, he didn't even want to live another day for me.

On the first night of my return to being eighteen, unable to sleep, I secretly went to my father's study and rummaged for a few cigarettes. The scene of me smoking in front of Li Chishu flashed before my eyes as I brought the cigarette to my lips. I realized that I, too, had been an accomplice to his self-destruction.

Li Chishu asked, "Why do you smoke?"

I replied, "I'm feeling a bit down, so I smoked a few times."

He asked, "Does it help?"

"It doesn't," I said. "We need to resolve it from the root cause."

"The root cause?"

I didn't respond, but changed the subject instead. "What were you thinking about just now?"

"Just now?" Li Chishu thought for a moment, made a thoughtful sound, and then continued to walk slowly ahead. "I was just thinking... Pan Ran's grades are also very good, similar to yours, but you seem to have no impression of him."

"So?"

"So...," Li Chishu's back was quickly disappearing into the dark. I followed closely behind him, afraid that if he walked further, he would become unreachable. "Your attitude towards me recently seems a bit sudden. Shen Baoshan... You, how is it that you have an impression of me?"

"You don't know?" I reached out and grabbed Li Chishu when he completely walked into the blind corner.

Li Chishu said, "I’m… not quite—"

I leaned forward, cornered him, and kissed him with a slamming force.

Li Chishu was forced to tilt his head back, and just before his head hit the wall, I used my hand to protect him.

He was clearly caught off guard and almost exclaimed in surprise. After a brief muffled hum, I took the opportunity to deepen the kiss.

He was too unfamiliar with this situation, and he had no resistance to my advances and dominance. I sucked and bullied his lips without knowing when to stop, breathing heavily and roughly. It was only when Potato emerged from my arm and issued a resentful protest that I realized Li Chishu was almost unable to breathe due to the shock, so I held Potato back and slowly pulled away.

Li Chishu seemed to regain a bit of survival instinct and finally exhaled lifelessly. However, I lingered at the corner of his mouth, traced along his cheek, and continued to kiss his ear.

"Li Chishu." My hand, that was placed at the back of his head, gradually moved down, wrapping around his waist. I gently pecked the burning hot skin beneath his ear. "What does it feel like when someone you have secretly liked for a long time also likes you back?"

He breathed heavily, seemingly unaware of what he was going to say. "I don't know."

"You don't know?" I couldn't resist and leaned in to kiss him again, while my other hand firmly held Potato, who was trying to poke its head out. After our lips and tongues intertwined for a while, I finally asked, "Then, would you like to like me for a bit, so that I could know?"

Li Chishu was still dazed from the continuous kisses and hadn't fully regained his senses. "Wha—"

Before he could finish his words, I pressed my lips against his again, preventing him from speaking.

As he gasped for breath in my embrace, he let out intermittent, low moans. When I pulled away from his lips, I reached out to wipe away the water stain at the corner of his mouth. "Li Chishu, try to like me, okay?"

Li Chishu hesitated for a moment, and when he spoke, his mouth was stained by the scent of mint candy from my mouth. "You..."

"I like you."

Potato squirmed restlessly in my arm, so I directly covered its face with my palm, preventing it from escaping. After struggling in vain, it started licking my palm with its tongue.

In just a few seconds, it seemed like all of Li Chishu's energy had transferred to his pet, while he himself was so quiet that I could barely detect any signs of life.

"Li Chishu, I like you," I repeated once again. "From a long time ago, to a long time in the future, I have always liked you—not just like, but love. It's okay if you don't understand. I'll say it a few more times."

In the darkness, I stood straight and spoke each word to him, "Li Chishu, I want to love you. I have come to love you. It's not just a casual liking, as you may think, it's love. I am your parents, your wife, your husband, your child—I will give you all my love. Can you accept this love and keep it hidden—until a day in the future when Shen Baoshan can't make it to your side in time? Can you decide not to leave before he arrives, even though the world may seem bleak? Okay?"

Li Chishu was at a loss for words. "I..."

He naturally couldn't understand.

"It's best if you don't understand." I held him tightly. "As long as you don't understand, you won't leave. Li Chishu, you need so much love. You've needed it since you were very young."

He leaned his head against my shoulder and subconsciously lifted his arms to hold me. There must have been many questions swirling in his mind. "But why did you... Why, all of a sudden?"

"There's no specific reason," I said. "Li Chishu, I simply realized that time is fleeting, and I want to accomplish what I want to do as soon as possible."

October 15th, Sunny

Today I bought some fruit. I was very lucky because I got three small apples, which cost four yuan and eight cents, enough to eat for three meals.

October 15th, Sunny

Shen Baoshan, I don't have a lot of love. It disappeared when I was very young.

Even if it's just talking, thank you for being willing to give it to me.

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